When Everything Changes at Once

When Everything Changes at Once: Navigating Retirement, Family, and the First Responder Mindset

I knew retirement would bring change—but I didn’t realize just how many changes would happen at the same time.

My boys are grown now. They have their own lives, schedules, families, and dreams. This is a little painful.  My parents are aging, and with that comes a new kind of caretaking—one I didn’t expect to take on so soon or even ever. And then there's me—retired from a career that shaped every part of who I am. Suddenly, I'm no longer the officer, the responder, the one holding the line. And yet, somehow, I’m still trying to hold it all together.

This isn’t just my story. It’s our story—especially for those of us who’ve lived years, maybe decades, with the first responder mindset. Have you considered how and why you make your decisions? Have you considered the cost of your actions?

We were trained to jump in, take charge, fix things, and keep people safe. That mindset served us in the field—but it can also trip us up in retirement. When our children are carving out their own lives, we might step in too much, trying to "help" when they just need space. When our parents’ health starts shifting, we can go into control mode, unintentionally making them feel incapable. The conversations get difficult or do not even happen. And when we finally have time for ourselves? We often don’t even know what we want anymore. Maybe we think, “I just wish it was like before.”

We get in our own way.
We get in the way of our children.
We even get in the way of our parents.

But here’s the good news: the same skills that made us excellent first responders can also help us build a strong, grounded future—for ourselves and the people we love.

The Skills That Help Us in This New Chapter:

• Decision-making under pressure: We know how to assess situations quickly. This helps when navigating tough choices about aging parents, finances, or where we want to live.

• Resilience and grit: We’ve been through hard things. That strength can carry us through the emotional terrain of family transitions and our own identity shifts.

• Situational awareness: We’re observant. That allows us to see when someone needs support—and when it’s time to step back.

• Dedication to service: Our instinct to care for others can be a gift—when we channel it with love, not control.

The Mindsets That Can Hurt Us If We’re Not Careful:

• "I have to handle everything myself."
  This leads to burnout, isolation, and resentment. In retirement, collaboration is key—not command.

• "If I’m not helping, I’m not valuable."
  Our worth doesn’t come from being needed. It comes from being—authentically and fully ourselves.

• "I know what’s best."
  Maybe you do—but people need to make their own choices. Even if it’s hard to watch.

• "I’ll take care of me later."
  Sister, now is your time. You’ve earned this next chapter. Don’t put yourself at the bottom of the list anymore.

• Resilience and grit: We’ve been through hard things. That strength can carry us through the emotional terrain of family transitions and our own identity shifts. Oh? On both lists? Absolutely. You might have too much “stuff” to handle anything else.

So, What Do We Do?

We pause. We write it down. What matters to you now? What does a good day look like? What does your body need? What lights you up? What do you want your relationships to feel like?

This isn’t about planning every step—it’s about intention. Living on purpose. Not reacting. Not rescuing. But responding—to your life, to your season, with wisdom and grace. I am definitely benefiting from “not planning” everything.  When my youngest son and his wife need an extra set of hands with their creative install business I jump in. The casual, relaxed conversation that occurs while we are working side by side is priceless. No way I could plan that!

All of the changes are a lot to process, and while you might be used to handling things on your own, retirement is a season that calls for connection. There are resources out there—some on a national level that you can find online, and others closer to home, like small local groups or even one-on-one conversations with women who are just a little farther down the road. But here’s the thing: many of us don’t have a lot of close female friendships, especially if we spent our careers in a male-dominated field like first response.

That’s why this moment—when everything feels up in the air—can actually be the perfect reason to start building those connections. Use this time to reach out, to talk with other women your age or a bit older, and to share your experiences. You might be surprised how comforting it is to realize you’re not the only one feeling this way. And the friendships you build now? They won’t just help you get through this transition—they’ll be there the next time life shifts. Because it will. And you shouldn’t have to face it alone.

You’ve spent your life serving others. And you probably will continue to serve others. Now it’s time to build a life that serves you—while still showing up in healthy, loving ways for those around you. I invite you to acknowledge your struggles. Recognize that life is happening all around us and we are really “in charge” and we have some useful traits and strengths.

You don’t have to figure it out alone.
If this speaks to where you are right now, I see you. Let’s rethink what life looks like after the job—together. Please share your story and experience, and other first responders, need it.